San Jose Mercury News

Sun, Oct. 17, 2004

Clashing couples achieve peaceful co-existence: 

COMPETING HOME-DECORATING TASTES NEED COMPROMISE AND COMMON SENSE

By John Boudreau

The first uh-oh moment came as the newlyweds were moving into their love nest.

``I had five times as many boxes as he did,'' admits Kitty O'Neil. ``I think he was a little shocked. I thought, How are we going to work this out? It's so easy for me to take over the house.''

Fifteen years later, and after many home decorating projects, O'Neil and her husband, Joseph Knight, have reached a peaceful co-existence in their Orinda home by melding his minimalist tastes with her penchant for 1950s and '60s kitsch.

Their solution? Modern Danish furniture. Plus, she has agreed to keep her kitsch craze under control. But that unshakable love of tchotchkes led her to co-write with her sister, Jennifer O'Neil, ``Decorating with Funky Shui: How to Lighten Up, Loosen Up and Have Fun Decorating Your Home'' (Andrews McMeel Publishing, $14.95).

As couples bounce along the courtship path, they are apt to talk about values, children, even house chores. But how many ask their mate whether he or she prefers French provincial or Arts and Crafts simplicity? How many anticipate heated disputes over Ralph Lauren paints at Home Depot?

``We learned so much about each other,'' says newlywed Yvonne Pierre Gagliasso, after she and her husband started to remake their Saratoga home. ``It's a constant conversation and dance.''

There was a time when such activities were pretty much a female domain. As long as the man had sex, food and his La-Z-Boy, he was content. Guys roamed the hardware store and women ruled home furnishings, observes design expert Chris Madden, author of ``Haven: Finding the Keys to Your Personal Decorating Style'' (Clarkson Potter Publishers, $29.95) and host of HGTV's ``Interiors by Design.''

Now, men are more apt to have opinions on everything from shower curtains to window treatments, she says. This is the Pottery Barn and Ikea generation that turns to design TV shows and books for home decorating tips.

``Both my sons have started watching design shows,'' Madden says. ``Nick just came home from college and said, `I want to do my room over.' ''

Each person brings her or his sense of style into a relationship. And that can be one more thing for couples to disagree about.

Julie Matsushima, owner of Race Street Interiors in San Jose, occasionally feels as if she is playing the role of couple's counselor.

``Sometimes you are in the middle of very heated conversations,'' the interior designer says.

Things can be particularly delicate, Matsushima adds, when the man actually has a better eye for design than the woman.

The key is creating an atmosphere that feels like home for both partners, Madden says.

In some cases, couples divide up the house: He gets the den, she gets the kitchen. The key to redecorating harmony, Pierre Gagliasso says, is teamwork.

``We've used the phrase, `I can live with that,' '' she says. `` `I'll compromise there because you let me have this.' ''

A home makeover is just like marriage, says Barbara Hardin, who recently redecorated her family room with the help of Matsushima.

``You need to compromise. You need to communicate clearly what your desires are,'' she says. ``And you need to have realistic expectations.''

Contact John Boudreau at jboudreau@ mercurynews.com or (408) 278-3496

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